so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
