Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
