smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
