You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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