im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
where am i from again
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
