Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
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Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
being pregnant is like rehab
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...