my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
