I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You don't make any sense
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