we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
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How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
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Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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