Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
