She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
