remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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