he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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