I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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