When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
