so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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