there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
