It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
