You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
