I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
