I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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