you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
