I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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