I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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