I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
