If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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