I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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