Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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