1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
