dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
