I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
