He asked to "fluff my boner.."
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
