my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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