Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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