just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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