im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
