Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
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