If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
