FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
