she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
