i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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