My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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