Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
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im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
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My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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