He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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