Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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