For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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