There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
