I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
