i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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