u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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