3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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