the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
