Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
