So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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