Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize